The Ratings Game
by Ellex
Summary: A couple of nameless background Marines rate the hotness of some of the Expedition members.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Ratings Game

Author: Ellex

Rated: 10+ (PG)

Disclaimer: Stargate:Atlantis does not belong to me and I make no material profit from messing around with it.

Feedback: Uh, if you want to. I'm kinda scared to ask for it on this one.

Archive: See Feedback.

Summary: A couple of nameless background Marines rate the hotness of some of the Expedition members.

A/N: This is apparently Shelly's (Merlin7) fault. Ashley (Cynical Coat) offered to write a fic to request, and Shelly suggested something to do with rating the hotness of various characters on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best. My warped and sleep-deprived brain went to work and came up with this pretty much instantly. I promise to write a sequel listing the guys. Tomorrow.

And no, it won't cut into finishing Invulnerable. All but the last chapter is finished.

Marine1: Teyla's a 10. No question.

Marine2: I don't know about that. She's kinda intimidating. I'd subtract at least two points for unapproachability.

M1: Is that actually a word?

M2: It is now.

M1: How about Weir? I'd give her seven. Pretty, makes an effort to be friendly, but bony. Nothing to hold on to. And did you see her that time with Kavanagh? Get on her bad side, and she'd hurt you worse than Teyla. Teyla would just smack you around a little. Weir would make it hurt for a long time.

M2: Yeah, seven sounds about right.

M1: Dr. Biro?

M2: Don't even go there. She can't shut up and she reminds me of my fifth grade history teacher.

M1: Ew.

M2: Did we do Heightmeyer? I'd give her a six.

M1: Why only six? She's gorgeous. Have you seen the way her hips swish when she walks?

M2: Yeah, but you'd always be thinking about what she might be thinking about you all the time.

M1: I'm not sure I understood that. But that finishes the list, right?

Marine3: So go on and rate the men now.

M2: I'm not sure I feel comfortable rating the men.

M3: Guys, if I have to listen to the two of you rating the women around here, you can at least do the men, too.

M2: You're just jealous.

M3: I notice you forgot to rate me.

M2: We don't really think of you as a woman.

M1: Don't look at me. I wasn't rating you because...um, because I didn't think it would be polite, what with you standing right there and all...

(Marine3 leaves in a huff. Marine1 and Marine2 look relieved until...)

M3: Don't think I'll forget this!

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Ratings Game 2/2

Author: Ellex

Rated: 10+ (PG)

Disclaimer: Stargate:Atlantis does not belong to me and I make no material profit from messing around with it.

Feedback: Uh, if you want to. I'm kinda scared to ask for it on this one.

Archive: See Feedback.

Summary: A couple of nameless background characters rate the hotness of some of the Expedition members.

A/N: I really don't know what got into me. I apologize in advance.

Random Scientist: Who do you want to start with?

Marine3: How about Grodin?

RS: Ooh, that accent just kills me. And he's such a gentleman. At least, he is if McKay isn't around. I'll give him a nine.

M3: Just a nine?

RS: Well, he's a little cold. I've tried a little mild flirting, and he just looks down his nose at me.

M3: I'll have to take your word for it, I haven't had much to do with him. But just on looks, he rates a ten for me.

RS: Well, just on looks, sure. Okay, I give Doctor Beckett a six.

M3: What are you taking points off for?

RS: He's a physician. I have white-coat syndrome, my blood pressure couldn't take it.

M3: But the accent –

RS: Is adorable. I could listen to him talk all day, and he really is a nice guy, he's even really cute. But he's a doctor. I have a thing about doctors.

M3: I rate him a nine. Just for the accent. And the hair. And the eyes.

RS: I thought you didn't like guys that weren't in shape?

M3: For the eyes and the accent, I'll overlook it. Your turn. Sumner.

RS: He's dead, I don't rate dead people.

M3: That really didn't sound right, you know. Lieutenant Ford, then.

RS: Cute. A little too young for me. Kinda bossy and not all that bright. Seven.

M3: Really? I like him. You're right about the bossiness, but he's not dumb. McKay and Zelenka keep setting him up. I give him an eight.

RS: How about Doctor Zelenka, then?

M3: Cute, sweet, and another accent, but a little short for me, and he's kinda tubby about the middle. Easily distracted by shiny new techy toys. Six.

RS: Only six? But he really is sweet. Not a mean bone in the man's body. Can't you just imagine him murmuring sweet nothings in Czech?

M3: What can I tell you? I like a little more assertiveness in a guy. He's too nice.

RS: You should hear him tell McKay off, then you wouldn't think he was too nice. I give him an eight. He needs to remember to shave more often.

Major Sheppard: Who needs to remember to shave more often?

M3: Oh! Umm, no one, sir!

RS: We were talking about Doctor Zelenka.

Sheppard: Doctor Z? Great guy, but too short for me. I give him a seven.

M3: See? I told you he was too short…

RS: Are you okay? Your face just went all red.

M3: I, uh, I was just caught by surprise. It's not every day my commanding officer – my male commanding officer – rates another guy in my hearing. Sir.

Sheppard: Hey, I'm an equal opportunity rater. If it bothers you, I can go away.

RS: That's not necessary. Actually, I'd like to know how you rate Doctor McKay.

Sheppard: I give Rodney a seven. Minus one point each for the snark, the attitude, and the ego.

McKay: Seven! You only gave me a seven! I rate a nine at the very least.

Sheppard: Where did you come from? Let me revise that. Six. I'll subtract two points for the ego.

McKay: Six! SIX! If that's the way you want to play it…two points off for your ego. A point each for the snark and the attitude. One point for the cocky flyboy Captain Kirk vibe. A point for the way you recklessly endanger your life and make everyone worry about you. Oh, and one point for the hair.

Sheppard: What about my hair? I should get extra points for my hair.

McKay: The hair has a life of it's own, Major. The hair is scary. It's mesmerizing. It hypnotizes people into thinking you actually have some brains underneath it. Without the hair you would be nothing. And that leaves you at…um…three! Three points, Sheppard! So there!

Sheppard: So how would you rate Kavanagh?

McKay: What? What? What does Kavanagh have to do with it? Kavanagh doesn't rate at all. Kavanagh rates in negative figures. We weren't talking about Kavanagh, we were talking about you and your hair!

M3: I really don't think I want to be a part of this conversation anymore.

RS: I quite agree.

Later…

M3: So how do you rate McKay and Sheppard?

RS: I don't think there's any point. No one is going to get anywhere with either of them as long as the other is around.

M3: They do seem pretty fixated on each other. Do you think they have something going on?

RS: I'm almost afraid to speculate. Now, how would you rate Steve?

M3: Who's Steve?

RS: Steve the Wraith.

M3: Ooh! Kinky. Let me see…

The End


End file.
